Against Gravity

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My brother killed himself
on the twenty-eighth Thursday of last year
and I missed four days of work
and my mom wanted to know ‘Why’.
My brother
he was always a fan of beauty
but what he did
was not beautiful at all.

And last week I got the news
that one of my good friends from high school
had overdosed
except this time
she’d gone too far
and now she was gone.
And I had a hard time falling asleep at night
and her mother
hugged me tight
and thanked me for coming to the service
but I did not
want to be there at all.
This is not

The girl down the street
would’ve turned 21 last year
and I can scarcely imagine
the wild times she would’ve
But she is buried six feet deep
after falling nearly 300
and she did not leave a note.
This is not

My freshman year of college
and my roommate was beautiful
and how I wanted to be just like her.
But she wore herself down
till she was
almost invisible
and if you blinked
you had to go and find her all over again.
So now her parents are no longer supporting her college tuition
but are paying her hospital bills
watching their daughter crumble.
This is not

So y’all can take your narcissistic
and glamorizing
of self harm and eating disorders and committing suicide
and shove them as far up your ass
as you possibly can.
Starvation is not beautiful.
Killing yourself is not beautiful.
is not beautiful.
This note I am writing
is not beautiful.

But you
you are beautiful
and it’s about damn time you start believing it.

(via atemstreik)

Fuck, I’m crying

(via schlafwandel)

(Quelle: runiqu, via ichwerdeinenteufeltun)

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“Why are you so nice to me?”
"You being serious now? Well, it’s easy. It’s because you are the weirdest, most beautiful person that I’ve ever met in my whole entire life."
Short Term 12 (2013) dir. Destin Daniel Cretton


Why are you so nice to me?”

"You being serious now? Well, it’s easy. It’s because you are the weirdest, most beautiful person that I’ve ever met in my whole entire life."

Short Term 12 (2013) dir. Destin Daniel Cretton

(via ichwerdeinenteufeltun)

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Cutting free: 0 days
Self harm free: 214 days
Purging free: 0 days

Everything escalated yesterday. I had the worst fight with my love ever. We started cooking together and I asked him how his application is going. It’s difficult for him to get a job/apprenticeship because he doesn’t have the german passport. But honestly I’m feeling like he gives a damn about it. And he’s not allowed to work this year, so I’m always telling him to get his passport and that it’s important for next year. But he never wants to talk about that and he said ‘Don’t worry about it. I don’t wanna talk about it now. It’s not your business etc.’ Which got me angry. I’m his girlfriend, I should know what he plans for the future or for this year. I don’t like people who are sitting at home, doing nothing. So I asked him if he has called school or his dad. But he hasn’t. And then he yelled at me if I’m deaf or what, he doesn’t want to talk about it! And yeah some other bad things and I got very aggressive, feeling like I have to hit something. But I tried to control me. After cooking (we had to wait till the food was finished) I went to my room, locked my door and he was watching TV downstairs. I hit and kicked my wardrobe like never before. And then I cut. So much, so deep. And I still don’t know why I did this. I’m not sure if it was because of our fight or what. We talked later and everything is fine now, I can understand how he feels and it’s okay for me. But I told him he should’ve talked to me about this earlier. And he also cried, because it’s a hard situation for him at the moment and he’s scared if he gets the passport or not, so he’s running away from doing something. So he needs time to take heart.
He hasn’t noticed my cuttings yet as I’m waking around with a jacket since yesterday. But I’m scared about his reaction. Ah and btw, after eating I purged. Successful evening!

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“i’d die for her. i love her so much. i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s going through a lot right now. i wish i could just kiss away the pain, make it go away, stop it, kill it! if she, you know, (gets teary eyed) i don’t know what i would do. i’d kill myself. i love that girl. i love her. i love her almost more than i love myself” - Johnny Depp on Winona Ryder (1989)

(via ichwerdeinenteufeltun)

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Cutting free: 81 days
Self harm free: 201 days
Purging free: 10 days

Feeling not that good lately. It’s hard because school started again 2 weeks ago and I had to manage complete different daily processes. And also I’m still ashamed to eat in school but anyways I’m trying so hard. I feel like I’m getting bigger and bigger everyday and I know the reflection I see doesn’t fit with how I really look like. And I’m not sure if my love understands the dimension of my disease. I know he tries to understand me, but sometimes I don’t wanna talk about the reasons why I’m crying and then he gets mad.